Enabling An Addict – The Help That Only Makes Things Worse

What Exactly Is Enabling?

When addressing addiction or other dysfunctions in families or relationships, “enabling” means giving “help” that actually makes the situation worse. Family members’ attempts to problem solve on behalf of the alcoholic/addict often results in “enabling”. Enabling is the act of removing or buffering the natural negative effects of the drinking or using. Enabling actually assists the alcoholic/addict in continuing to drink or use drugs, often the exact opposite of the intended outcome. When a loved one removes or buffers the natural negative consequences of the drinking/using, the addict is not motivated to change.

What Is The Motivation Behind Enabling?

There are many reasons why enabling occurs, and many of these are based on emotions that we may not even know we are feeling: guilt, fear and love are among the most common.

Guilt

Enabling behavior that is based in guilt may have roots many years before someone married or became involved in an alcoholic relationship. Someone may have been born into an alcoholic or addictive family and have felt that in some way they should have been able to “save” a loved one. Guilt may also occur for no specific reason but is powerful enough that someone begins to enable a friend or loved one by thinking that it is their own behavior that pushes the addict into using drugs, that if only the non-addicted person tried harder, then they could recover.

Fear

Fear is a strong ally of enabling. Loved ones may be afraid that if the addict goes through treatment and recovery, then they may not need or want them anymore. Sometimes a person is afraid of being alone. Or perhaps the natural consequences are too frightening to face; jail, criminal record, loss of job, loss of income, loss of reputation – for everyone, embarrassment for other family members, perhaps young children. Whatever the reason, fear can be exploited by the disease to protect the addiction and the addict’s behaviors. LoveWhen someone is struggling or hurt, it seems only normal that a loved one would want to help them. It feels wrong NOT to help them. But when love becomes enabling, the enabler may go from waking them up when they occasionally oversleep, to calling in sick for them after a binge. Love stops being helpful, and actually begins to support their addiction.

What Are The Signs (or Consequences) of Enabling?

Enabling does not present in one, unified format, nor is there one specific behavior or action that guarantees that an individual has become an enabler. Rather, enabling often reveals itself not through a singular but rather series of actions and behaviors that continue to progress as the addiction and the consequences escalate. The following is a brief list of common enabling behaviors:

• Making sure that the alcoholic/addict has a job, even if you have to employ him/her.
• Calling to wake him/her up for work or school.
• Making excuses on behalf of them. Calling in sick to work for him/her. Apologizing for his/her behavior.
• Going on “search and destroy” missions where you hunt down the stash and destroy it.
• Pouring out the liquor. Limiting the amount of cash they have.
• Appointing yourself the “drink counter/monitor” and trying to limit how much the alcoholic drank.
• Bailing them out of jail. Putting them to bed when they have passed out in the kitchen floor or on the lawn.
• Cleaning up the vomit.
• Looking for them when they don’t come home. Going to the bar to bring them home.
• Using pleading, arguing, reason and logic, guilt trips, anger, threats, etc. to get them to quit.
• Staying home from planned trips to “babysit” them so that they don’t get into trouble.
• Pulling back from family and friends to keep from discussing the problem.
• “Playing detective” to gather enough information to confront them with so that they will admit that they have a problem and will quit.
• Buying liquor for them or picking them up at the bar so that they don’t get a DUI.
• Giving them food, paying the rent, car insurance, etc.

The biggest consequence for the addict is that their life continues to be controlled by the disease and the consequences continue to increase. The consequences for the loved ones may be emotional, such as a loss of self-esteem or a sense of hopelessness. It is common for the family member to experience anger and resentment, or perhaps more guilt. The consequences may be physical. It is common for enablers to struggle with fatigue, depression, or other health problems. It may be relational, as they neglect other important people in their lives in order to focus primarily on the addict. Finally, as the consequences (or threat of them) continue to accumulate, financial problems become a consequence not only for the addiction itself but also for all the enabling behaviors.