How Can You Describe Your Discovery of Your Sexuality
My sexuality has always been an anomaly to me. It’s been a mystery to me even before I knew what the word “sexuality” meant. That was the reason why I chose to write about how can you describe your discovery of your sexuality essay.
I knew I didn’t identity as a heterosexual nor did I think I was lesbian, I just knew that I was somewhere in the spectrum. It was until eighth grade, my last year of middle school until I truly felt confident in myself regarding my sexual identity. I had finally found the identity that has been hiding within me all this time; pansexual. To give a little more details on what being pansexual means to me is that I basically have attraction towards a person without even thinking or regarding their gender or biological sex. At the time, I didn’t tell anyone that secret of mine, it was something I was confident in but not confident enough to spread it around joyously. It took time and a lot of courage to open up to a few people at the time, I only chose to tell a few close friends that I knew were in the LGBTQ+ community and one of my elder brothers, who at the time, came out as gay to our whole family. As he was coming out confidently and proud to the world, I was still chilling in the closet, waiting until I could do the same thing he did. I didn’t mind at all, I knew I wasn’t ready for everyone to know and I was okay with that. I was simply happy to know that I was not confused anymore with my sexuality. It was sort of blissful, I didn’t worry about my parents knowing nor did I have to explain to them or anyone in our family. You may be wondering, was it because they were homophobic or judgmental? It was neither, my family were and still are supportive and loving, they were the opposite of homophobic. Truth be told, I was just not ready to tell them yet during that time, even though they’re supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, I didn’t know how they would take their daughter being pansexual. It was until one day, I had no choice but to come out of the closet, even if it wasn’t on my own terms.
I remember watching the other cars drive beside us, the radio was quietly playing an unrecognizable song as my mom and brother (the one I came out to) were talking in the front seats of the car. I was silently observing the scenery around us in the backseat until our car came to stop at a red light. I was slowly falling asleep until my brother brought up the topic of sexuality. Suddenly, my mind was racing, faster than any of the cars zooming in front of us. I was hoping that he would not mention a word about my sexuality. However, my heart felt like it was going to explode the moment he mentioned my name.
“Did you know that Cassidy is bisexual? She likes boys and girls.”
At this point, the red light turned into green, signaling to go but I couldn’t say a word as my mom began to question me. I didn’t even realize my brother had called me bisexual instead of pansexual but at that moment, I didn’t even care. I was just so lost in thought and worry that I couldn’t even find the words to explain myself to my mom’s questions. I remember not being able to breathe properly and my chest felt like it was going to combust. I was out of the closet without my agreement and couldn’t even lie about it, my silence was already enough of an answer to my mom. Her questions filled the air, making it so difficult to even breathe or think properly at the time.
“Bisexual? You’re bisexual? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Your brother is gay and came out to us, why didn’t you come out to us too?”
It wasn’t until we reached our destination; home, where my dad and other brother were waiting for us patiently. I didn’t even want to think about what my dad and or other brother would think or say if they found out too. I remember walking inside our home, keeping my eyes and head down to the floor so no one could see my tears or red cheeks. I didn’t even want to talk to the brother who outed my sexuality that night, I was too ashamed and beyond angry with him. I couldn’t even face him without wanting to yell or even fight him. In my mind, he had no right to throw me out of the closet without my permission. He simply had no right at all to expose my sexuality to anyone, especially my mom or dad, the two people who meant and still mean the most to me in this universe.
As the night went on, I stayed inside my bathroom for who-knows-how-long, sitting on the cold tiles and hiding my face in my knees. I could hear my mom and dad talking about me in the distant, but I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying. I didn’t want to come out physically, I didn’t want to come out in regards to my sexuality, and yet I would have to do both now in order to face my parents and talk to them. I remember coming out of the bathroom slowly and as I approached my dad first, he was working on his computer and before I could say anything, he patted my back and told me that he loved me. I cried, I couldn’t stop crying, I remember feeling so happy in that moment because he didn’t question me nor did he make me feel judged. He just told me he loved me and comforted me silently, the air didn’t feel heavy, it felt like I could breathe. Seemingly all my fears started to slowly disappear as my mom came in and told me the same thing, they told me that they would love me no matter what and that they supported me regardless of my sexuality.
At that moment, I stood up and felt empowered to explain to them myself and not through the words of my brother, who had misidentified my sexuality. I confidently told them that I identified as pansexual and explained to them what that was and they completely understood. I even came out to my other brother later on and he was fully and happily supportive. I remember telling them that I was, “Pansexual and proud to be.” This is a phrase I use every time I’m asked of my sexuality. I have no more fears or worries about coming out to anyone ever since that night. Ever since that night I was outed of the closet, I realized that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my sexuality and care too much about what others think about it. I can’t change who I am and who I love. I always have this thought, ‘if you can’t accept or be okay with my sexuality, then that’s not my problem because I love myself and already have all the support I need. You don’t deserve to be in my life if you can support all of me.’ I always think about that thought and voice it out every time I encounter someone that has an issue with my sexual identity.
Before we conclude, you may be wondering about what happened between the brother who outed my sexuality and me. We went on to be okay and I didn’t mention this event for a while. It was until this year, I told him how I felt that night and how angry I was at him. I told him that he had no right in doing that to me and that it was completely unfair and disrespectful to me. I even questioned him on why he did that and he went on to apologize and explain himself.
“I didn’t want you to hide or be uncomfortable like how I was for so long, our family is supportive and I just thought you would be okay with me telling them especially after I came out gay. I’m really sorry.”
In the end, I forgave him because I had no reason to be angry anymore, I didn’t want to be angry or hold any negative feelings. Truthfully, if things didn’t work out as well as it did with my parents, I don’t know if I would’ve forgiven him so easily but I did anyway. I could see where he was coming from and we both had matured greatly from that night. We didn’t have that many relatives in the LGBTQ+ community and I would rather us support each other than resent each other because of the past. Finally, that night not only taught me to be empowered by my sexuality and be proud of and stand up for it. It taught me to be forgive people of their past mistakes even if those mistakes hurt me at the time. It was time to move on, be happy, own my sexuality for what it was, and embrace all of me with not restraints or worries.
