The Three Faces Of Myself

I have always been a big fan of conspiracy theories. There are some that are foolish and out there but there are others that make me want to re-evaluate what I think is true or not. Out of the hundreds of conspiracy theories I have searched, my favorite would have to be the conspiracy that we are living in a simulation. This is one of those theories that keep me up at night. This sparked my intellectual curiosity because the evidence is so concrete that you even the biggest nonbeliever can't lie that there are some truths to this.

Simulations are made by a computer to make things look as realistic as possible The theory goes that a future civilization might have wanted to see what the people in the past lived like so they made a simulation- and we may be part of this. This idea was so popular that they even made a movie on it, it's called the Matrix. One of the most famous supporters of this theory is Elon Musk. Keep in mind that he is the CEO of Tesla and creator of Spacex so he is extremely smart. He simply states that it was only 40 years ago where we only had Pong, which is a game with two rectangles and a ball. Fast forward we now have games that are so realistic that when you put on the virtual reality goggles, you wouldn't want to take them off. That is only 40 years, imagine 1, 000 years?

I don't think there are any ways that I can further explore it other than looking for glitches. This where the concept of "deja vu" comes into place. We have all had this feeling of this already happening but most of the time we can't explain why. What if we are all in a simulation game and the person play you is constantly rewinding back to certain parts of your life? What if we had done this a million times before and the gamer playing us is putting us on loop? Another concept is the life flashing before your eyes. This would only take seven seconds which is not much in the human world but when your are dying, time is different. Also when you are dreaming it usually feels like your dream is like five hour but in reality you only took a 30 minutes nap. This concept of time is only restraining when we are conscious. So what is when you die, during those seven long seconds, you are actually reliving your life again and this is the deja vu that we are always experiencing? This theory is always in the back of my mind and I can't wait for one day when the whole world starts glitching at one. How will humans react to it? If someone is playing me as a virtual reality game, why would they choose to make my life so boring. Like, really? Take me to Paris! Win the lottery!

Now that was a brief overview of the things that I think about when I'm zoning out. I think about things like this because it takes me into deep thought. Just for a brief moment I don't have to think about my problems or pay attention to my surroundings. I'm going on and on about different scenarios and what would happen if it were true. In all seriousness I like to daydream. That’s what keeps me from the reality of life and all its challenges. I don’t know if I actually believe in the theories I research or if I really want to truly believe. I want to believe that were all one big simulation and I can control what happens to my life. I want to believe that my parents will one day fall in love with each other. I really want to believe that I’m beautiful and love what I see in the mirror but reality keeps me from that. I am a firm believer that we all have ‘different faces of self. The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are. My first face is like a shield to me. The face that I show to the world is that of a quiet one. In school I'm just another shy girl that blends in with the crowd. I hate attention. When I have to have a class presentation I'm almost shaking because everyone is engaged in me and what I have to say. I don't raise my hands even answer a question even if I know the answer. The scariest a phrase a teacher could ever say is “okay, students find a partner” because I'm shy and probably don't have any friends so who could I even find to work with me? I find it hard being engaged in a class because my mind is always somewhere else. They say that we all have the power to be smart but never tell how. What does it mean to be smart? Does this mean I'm able to solve a math question? The fact that I know the history of King Henry and his wives? Is it because I know the quadratic formula? If that's what it means to be smart then sure I'm pretty smart. Can I write a check? Do I know how a credit card works? Am I able to tell you the importance of having a good credit score? Nope. They don't teach this in school. I guess I'm supposed to know this automatically since I'm 18 and that's considered the age of an adult? I don't really feel 'smart’. I have never felt that I was capable of doing things in my own. Even making a grilled cheese would call for to look up a tutorial on YouTube to makes sure I'm doing it just fine. At least my first face makes people believe I'm smart and quiet.

My second face is where I feel the most comfortable At home, my people would describe me as rude, and loud but also funny. My really thinks I could make it as a comedian. She always found anything positive to say about me. I love her level of optimism but it hurts that she doesn't have the see level of optimism for herself. I ask her why she doesn't want to go back to school and get her diploma. She come up with every excuse under the sun as to why this is not the right time to go to school. But if not now, then when? All your children are old enough to take care of themselves, your cashier job will always be there if you were to ever come back, you always complain about how your job sucks but don't do anything about it. I just don't want to see her struggling anymore. My dad has always been a serious person I never know when he's happy or sad. But I can always tell when he's mad. I hate how the tiniest of things just sets him off. Like when he freaked out over the fact that I wear ripped jeans when there are tons of other girls who show off more revealing body parts than I do. I hate that he's always trying to force Christianity down my throat. He makes me read my Bible and pray, he makes me start over praying if he says I'm not loud enough in my prayer. Always telling me to be more involved but never wants to help me. I love my dad but I don't think I'll ever make him happy. My brother, sister and I, just like all other siblings love each other low-key but can't stand each other too. However, I don't feel like I could ever open up them on certain things because they'll go snitching on me if I ever get them mad. I also have an older sister. I haven't seen her since I was five. My dad kicked her out the house once he found out that she was pregnant. How could hearted is that to leave your child on the street when she needs you the most. She is one of the things that keep me up at night. Where is she? How did she manage to take care of a baby with no house, job or baby father? Do you or did you hate dad for what he did to you? Do you miss me? How's my nephew? Does he know about me? Does he ask about me? Does he ever ask for his grandpa? Maybe you wanna catch up over some coffee? I feel like even if we did meet our sisterly bond will never be there because we didn't grow up together. We never fought or argued and made up, never covered up each other's lies, try to comfort each other in our time of need, we'll never get to reminisce our the times we had growing. This is all because of decisions, and every decision leads to consequence. I love my family, but sometimes I think if they weren't my family, would I want them as my friend? I don't think I I'll ever have the courage to show anyone my third face. It's like a secret that I have to keep stored in Pandora's box, if it ever comes out, bad things may happen. I still don't know what my own face truly is. I can name many things that I hate about myself. Like my wide nose, hard to manage hair, and my lack of social skills. I can’t name too many things I appreciate myself.

One thing I do admire about myself is that I can see the good in everyone. I don’t think anyone can ever be born full of hate, they are taught. No person is born knowing and social constructs such as beliefs in god, no one has any form of opinion or belief, any person brought into this world of ours is formed through the actions of our surroundings, a person born in japan will not speak Japanese if their parents speak English around them. People are like clay, they may not have a specific shape or design but after years of perfecting and influence they are made unique. I hope one day someone will find the uniqueness of me and help mold me into fine porcelain and I’ll do the same for them. But in order for me to truly love someone else, I have to love myself first. I always say humans have many sides to them. It makes sense. I have a personal side that I share only with myself. It helps to know who you are, just like knowing our characters. We can improve ourselves wherever needed. We need different sides of our personality. To protect ourselves. To encourage ourselves. To love ourselves.