To Be or To Wait: a Cohabitation Before the Marriage
The basic principles concerning human ethics as they pertain to relationships and love have been set since the beginning of human civilization. Religion, music, media, movies, and much more have influenced how society has determined the “typical” course of a relationship. According to societal norms, two friends (or strangers) begin with a casual relationship that then progresses to exclusivity. After a certain period of exclusivity comes the conversation that determines if either party feels confident enough in the relationship to see it advance, which begs an important question. This 'Should couples live together before marriage?' essay states that individuals in a romantic relationship should live together before marriage because in order to make a lifelong commitment to one person you should know them completely and in all forms.
There is a notion in the Christian community that the downfalls of omiting cohabitation before marriage are worthwhile to endure, so long as premartial sex can be avoided.
However, not living with the person you intend to spend the whole of your existence with only sets you up for failure. During my first year of boarding school, I had a best friend named Lexa. We hit it off instantly, went everywhere and did everything together, and become very close. We thought if platonic soulmates were a thing, we had definitely found it. It only made sense that we would live together the following year. We thought because we had such a close relationship, we’d be good roommates who communicated well and respected each other’s boundaries. The following year as roommates started off well, but eventually our quirks and expectations as roommates clashed often. We frequently got into petty arguments that would lead to hours and sometimes days of awkward silence. Lexa was a “clean-freak” who became irritated at the sight of a few clothes on the floor or dirty dishes left in a rush on my desk. She sometimes got so frustrated with my lack of interest in doing my laundry in a timely manner that she would do it herself while I was in class. I, on the other hand, had a strong distaste for the way Lexa helped herself to my belongings whenever she pleased. This included my food, my perfume, my make up, etc. Things that could run out bothered me the most. I did not like that there was a supposed unspoken rule that because we were roommates who were also best friends, that we had to share everything. Lexa also had a very aggressive way of arguing where comments were often made that were meant to cut deep and targeted my deepest insecurities. Our friendship was definitely tested many times during this period. Pent up aggression over petty room arguments carried over into other areas of our friendship and lives as well and Lexa often lashed out at me over other things. Lexa and I remained friends by the end of the school year and learned a lot about the strengths and weaknesses in our friendship. We addressed our communication issues, worked on compromise, and assessed where we both wanted our boundaries respected. Although progress was made, Lexa decided to leave boarding school for other reasons and we did not remain friends. Our parting, however, was one of mutual respect. Through this experience, I discovered that even in friendships there is a “honeymoon” phase that does not allow us to see people as they truly are.
When we are in relationships that are impeded by infatuation, whether that be platonic or romantic, we fail to see the harsh truths that would pop the fantasy bubble of a new relationship. It is crucial to acknowledge these realities before making a life long commitment and the way to fully experience someone in nearly every state of emotion and circumstance is by living with them. It is not to say that because of some silly quirk, you will no longer want to be with them. But, you may find that with conflict their immaturity is prominent and their pride does not allow them to be wrong in any situation. Or you might find that they are inconsiderate to you in many ways and do not try and change this no matter how many times you bring it to their attention.
Living together not only forces people to face their partners in their truest forms, but also ensures that there will be conflict and problem-solving to be done by both parties.
There should be no room left for doubts in a ceremony as sacred and life long as marriage. In many religions and cultures, marriage is considered to be a conjoining of two individuals that shall last for “as long as they both shall live”. It seems oxymoronic that institutions that hold marriage as such a sacred, coveted ceremony that is to be maintained throughout one’s entire existence, allow room for error. To commit to sharing your life with another person without knowing them to the best of your ability is doing both parties a disservice. When making such an impactful commitment to another person it is imperative that to ensure both that there is security in the marriage and that both individuals are content, the two must emulate what life will be like when they are married. That means sharing a space, learning the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, and growing as a couple to determine whether or not marriage is the right choice. If you cannot “practice” married life successfully, then the course of the relationship should be reevaluated. Rushing into something because it is what you are “supposed” to do and no taking all the necessary steps to assess whether or not this commitment is one you’ll want to keep is naive and irresponsible. It is better to determine that two people are not right for each other outside of marriage than to participate in a once a lifetime ceremony, just to take it back.
Marriage itself is a societal construct, a piece of paper that means nothing without the necessary depth of love and dedication between the two people participating. Couples are often encouraged to get married under the guise that marriage will bring them closer and provide them security in their relationship among other things that should be in place before you get to the altar. Getting married should be the seal of accomplishment that two individuals have put in the work and time to be the most in love and emotionally close as they can be. These efforts should take place in an environment where there is nothing left to the imagination and couples can see the good, the bad, and the ugly in each other. Only seeing the good parts of someone or choosing to avoid their unappealing traits until marriage will eventually cause either party to question whether or not they truly knew the person they married before they made the choice to devote their entire life to them. Living with your significant other before marriage will emulate married life and therefore allow you to determine whether or not marriage is a plausible choice.
Marriage should not be a tool to make people achieve the deepest depths of love, but should instead be a celebration that that love was fostered between them already. Avoiding cohabitation before marriage leaves room for error and doubt in a ceremony where one should be as sure as they can be before devoting their entire existence to loving someone to the best of their ability. To be married is to be joined as one with another human being and to make a promise that deep and life altering, you should be absolutely certain to the best of you ability that it is the right choice for you.
