Children In The Cycle Of Divorce
Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).'a happy marriage' When you get married you never think about the word divorce because no one who marries the love of their life thinks that it will ever come to an end. No one ever thinks that lovey dovey feeling will ever fade. We grow up believing that when you find the love of your life, you want to settle down, get married and live happily ever after. No one ever thinks that the happiness and love they feel will ever disappear, they believe and hope that the love continues to grow and flourish with time. The reality is that not everything when you get married is that perfect, there are many cases were marriage ends, fails and comes to an abrupt stop; most times there are children are involved and they pay the hefty price of that love falling apart. Many factors lead to divorce and many continue to affect those who are directly involved in the marriage and divorce besides the actual couple, like the children, siblings, parents and in-laws, many are affected both negatively and positively.
Love, what is love? In the dictionary, “love isan intense feeling of deep affection for someone or something.” (websters dictionary) There are different types of love, the way you love your parents and siblings to the way you love your children are all different, especially the way you love your spouse. The difference with a love for your spouse because it is a love that goes beyond blood connection, it is a love that you have grown deeply to have for a person who was once a stranger but now is someone you can’t live without. During this stage you make yourself available all the time, sweet nothings are said in their ears, you can’t go anywhere without them you can never picture your life without them in it. When this love grows stronger and the bond becomes stronger, the word marriage comes into the vocabulary of someone who never once thought they’d be talking about so soon or even at all.
This beautiful word of marriage is described in the dictionary as “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship” (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).
This is when you are filled with butterflies and the excitement of seeing the love of your life every morning when you wake up and you can’t believe that you have met the man or woman of your dreams and you now carry his name or he is proud to share the same name as you. When you enter a marriage that is a union for life and no one ever thinks that it will come to an end but as life has it, things change, love fades, problems arise and there goes the love that once was something you never thought you could live without. You no longer feel the butterflies, there is no more excitement of waking up seeing each other and now you can’t wait to get rid of their name and go back to who they used to be.
When a marriage doesn’t workout it leads a once happily married couple to their last resort and that is Divorce. Divorce in the Webster's dictionary is defined as “the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.' The failure rate for second marriages is said to be higher than first marriages. (www.verywellfamily.com) Divorce in America affects children of every ethnic background, religion, and socioeconomic status. Approximately 50% of all first marriages will end in divorce, with over 1 million children being affected per year.(www.pedsinreview.aapublications.org) Every ethnic background meaning that here in American Samoa it is also common to hear of kids with separated parents, or even divorced parents. With divorce everything turns usually sour, a lot of negativity is in the air and constant bickering and fighting is very common. The once happy couple now can no longer talk to each other with respect nor can they sit in the same room without having a conflict arise.
Couples go through a whole process of filing for divorce, getting back into court over separation of property, hiring of lawyers and the list goes on, but as that list goes on so does the amount of money that is now required to pay for this once happy marriage that has now crumbled. One cannot believe that these two individuals who are now at each other’s throats were once holding hands taking the vows to be together for all eternity. I believe that when going through a divorce though it may not be an easy thing because maybe one party might still love the other while the other is ready to move on with their life a marriage without children should be a lot less painful than one with children.
It is one thing to fall in love, get married and then end it in divorce, but to also have children from the marriage is another different story. After reading a few books and researching on Divorce and the effects it has on children I do believe in my heart that it is the children that pay the biggest price in this whole ordeal. The children of divorce, whether it is a child or several children end up with the most to lose. The household they grew up in with both mom and dad is now no longer that way. Did they have a choice? Did they have a say? Most times they do not have a choice nor do they have a say. They didn’t ask to live with just one parent, maybe not the parent they are closest too or maybe it is the parent they are closest to, but through divorce children are usually put in the middle and the normalcy they remember is no longer there.
When you go through a divorce the children are there going through it with you. They didn’t ask to get divorced from one of their parents but they have to. Some studies show that children of divorce have higher mental health problems, have behavior problems and poor academic performance. (Paul A”The future of children” vol 4 No 1 Children of Divorce(spring 1994) pp 143-164) This leads me back to our study on the influences on Human Development that we discussed in the early part of our class where you have the different types of families and the kind of family you come from influences your choices in life. It affects your socioeconomic status which is “the amount of money your family makes) because now you are no longer in a household with two breadwinners but now you are in one.
This affects how you are as a human being. If you are a product of divorce at a young age you may take some of the problems you have as a younger child into your adult life. You are more likely to take risks. The effects of divorce on children are endless but then there are other factors that affect children as well. If their parent gets remarried to a person who has children now you are having to deal with not only losing your parent but having to grow up in a blended family. Blended families are very common now a days versus the past. It is said “ that divorce rates are higher for people whose parents were divorced.” ( www.psychologytoday.com) There are ways to reduce the psychological toll on children, if parents co-parent peacefully, don’t put kids in the middle, have a healthy relationship with the children’s other parent, monitor the children closely, talk to them about coping skills and that life does go on after a divorce. They need to work together, especially in the early stages after a divorce.
When you think about divorce, most times it is the negative parts that seem to come out. But like everything in life there has to be some positive that comes out of a negative situation. One could be a healthier household, less fighting, more positive influence on children and feeling a lot more confident again versus the always feeling down and not worthy. A lot of positive can come out of a negative situation. Making sure that the children are adjusting with time to the divorce. Communication is key and being a positive figure in their life is what makes the difference. Being there especially when they need you.
One question that I have thought about is “ Divorce, is it a cycle?” As I pondered on my topic and wondering if I should discuss the issue of divorce, I started thinking of it truly was a cycle. You may be wondering why I would even ponder on it if I myself wasn’t affected by divorce or if I am a product of divorce. To those two questions the answer is yes, I was affected by divorce and I am a product of divorced parents and grandparents. To answer the question “Is divorce a cycle” Well, in my life it has been a cycle. I have two other siblings and neither of them has been divorced. They are both married but have been married for a long time. I on the other hand have experience this dreadful, but helpful D word.
I am a product of divorced parents, and I too have been divorced. I have two sons from my first marriage that lasted seven years and I am also remarried and still married to the love of my life that I call “Lover” for 15 years and I have one son from my second marriage. Did I go through everything that I mentioned earlier and you can believe that I sure did. Was it hard, it sure was, but I am a true testament to the power of prayer. When I was going through my divorce, I thought it was the end of the world, I never thought I would meet anyone who would love me and my two older boys as much as I hoped they would. Through the grace of GOD and his guidance and endless prayers, I overcame all the negatives, the court cases, the struggles of getting divorced in Nevada where the laws do not favor the mother, but I survived.
I survived with my six year old and one year old son by my side. They went through it all, the downs, the hardships but one thing that never changed is that we stayed together, my boys and I . Fast forward to 2019, I am happily married to the love of my life Okland Salave’a who has loved my two older boys Filoisamoa Toko who is 25, and Aliitoa Langkilde 20 as his own and with the heart of our family our youngest son Okland Oakie Salave’a 15 years old, we have built a strong blended family that I can never change for anything in this world. Thanks to my husband Okland, we are very close to my ex husband who is a big part of all our 3 boys lives. I have a 19 month old grandson named Luke and a beautiful daughter in law named Jireh.
With the love of my mom Lidwina Iuli, I have been raised to be independent, a hard worker and never give up on life and believe in the power of prayers and that our good LORD has a plan for us all, we may not know it now but it will reveal itself at his perfect timing. Divorce may affect others in a negative way but I am a true testament that it was more positive that negative for my life and the life of my children. GOD is good and one thing for sure I didn’t have a mental problem through divorce but it did make me mentally stronger.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is nice to love, to be loved, to believe in marriage and the life it offers but if you do happen to go through a divorce, just know that it isn’t the end of the world. You have to stay mentally strong, lean on those who love you, and know that all the statistics in the world about divorce and children are stats they don’t define you. Staying in a marriage that isn’t working isn’t always the answer. Life is too short and we all need to be happy and enjoy the life we have and what GOD has planned for us all. Remember our children are our most precious gifts and we always need to remember them in the decisions that we make in life that will affect them completely. I am a product of the cycle of divorce and I survived and have so much to be thankful for.
