Neither Society Nor Church Cannot Control Your Gender
Gender can be influenced by social conventions, and universal biological factors that kickstart our understanding of the world, within our society, and culture. These certain ideas set appropriate behavior within society for that specific gender.
The Catholic Church, which I was raised in, says that gender is planned by God because of the bible. The Book of Genesis, mentions how God created humanity as one man and one woman, known as Adam and Eve. From that moment of creation, he sets them out to do his will, abide by his gender roles for both man and woman. We learn from the book of Mark that, "a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one flesh". This scripture passage can be interpreted by some as expectations of gender roles for both sexes implemented by god. Ultimately, any influences outside of the Catholic faith on your gender and sexuality, as a man or woman, therefore, choices and can defy God's plan for you.
At the age of 16, I was forced to a Gay conversion therapy camp for defying gods plan for me as a woman, in my sexuality, to gender roles, and non-binary style. Kissing a girl and wearing boxers made me an unholy woman, unfit for heaven, living in sin and set for eternal fiery damnation. The Catholic church has a strong set standpoint against homosexual acts as it defies natural law and gods plan for each gender. Scholars say, "Meaningful conversations on sexuality are hard to have in an institution where the operative worldview is out of sync with the experience of many people. Then fiat rather than argument, decree rather than dialogue, become the best way to impose order". If I am to be this holy woman of God in my church, I will not be in control of how I view my gender and my roles in society.
My womanhood will be solely based on church teachings and values for my gender. As a young girl, my views on gender and sexuality were being shaped by the intersection of my experience within the institution of the Catholic Church. When, I defied my upbringings found my true self, identity, and sexuality, I was shipped away to live with my godparents and attended homosexual conversion therapy sessions. This was three times a week, at the Marian Peace Center, for three months. This had a major impact on my life and experiences, academic scholars point out, "Upon coming out (disclosing one's sexual orientation /gender identity to others), a youth may be confronted with several responses from their families that may include acceptance, tolerance, violence, or threat of violence; a requirement for them to seek treatment to change their sexual orientation for continued shelter and sustenance; and /or full rejection". My immediate family distanced themselves from any approval, used slander at the dinner table, and my childhood friends, church friends, were no longer in my life. During my first day in the therapy, there was a prompt, appearing on the fuzzy projector, a quote from the Catholic Catechism, "homosexual acts are acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered. " They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved. "
As a good Catholic woman, I must bear my cross and suffer, never to experience human touch, only from a man because I’m a woman. During my time up north near Petoskey, MI in the claws of the Courage Program, gendered policing was eight hours of the day three times a week. Anger, sadness, and fear swept over me as they monitored my behavior, and gender display with how I dress. They would also withhold social approval when we spoke on our homosexual acts or encounters in group therapy. This was held by the spiritual director, priest, Center leaders, and advocates that completed the program prior. Most of the people in my group were young adults, forced by parents or guardians to attend this reparative therapy based on Catholic teachings. They acknowledged some of us didn't choose to be gay, but that we make it a choice to act out on those feelings. After therapy, the priest preached on chastity and bearing our cross as homosexuals. Quoting the Catechism "The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition", teaching and treating homosexuality as a disease, that our sexuality is not valid and against God.
This attempt at brainwashing us because of our gendered differences, made some of us feel so sick we would leave to throw up during these sermons. The Catholic Church, so strongly building our views since children, on our gender and sexuality, was being rejected by our bodies, in the form of bile. Our true selves were ascending, not by the Holy Spirit, but by a clearer mind. The Catholic church or any institution will never take away your sexuality, gender identity, how you dress, act, or feel if you don't let it. They are all parts of who you are, and how you see yourself as a person. This is what I learned in reparative therapy that nobody, not even god, determines if you should wear boxers or underwear as a woman. God's integral design for human sexuality will not stand in the way of my needs as a woman to be loved and feel love because I am a woman. Even natural basic human needs were forbidden like masturbation, and sexual protection was against my upbringing and deemed sinful.
Overcoming the church, and embracing my human desires as a homosexual woman, in the long run, helped me to discover my gender identity. Where I fall exactly on the spectrum of gender and how my gender roles differ from others has opened my mind to how fluid gender really is. Regardless of where society will place you, or try to confine you, Gender, ‘is what it is', and will forever be a natural part of who we are. Regardless of your upbringing, or in my case religious institution that looked over your shoulder, we are all capable of change and variation between what we call feminine and masculine traits. These don't define us but they can influence our gender roles and how we view our gender. Once you free your mind from societies or institutions oppression on gender you can do anything. Forget your label as sinful, trade it for something better, embrace your gender differences and be independent. Society cannot control your gender or gender roles if you do not let it, only you are in charge of your own destiny, create it.
