The Transgression Crossroads: Revenge Or Forgiveness

Relationships are a major component of any individual’s life. These relationships can be social, workplace, familial or romantic. The way in which these relationships are maintained or neglected differ. This essay looks at the maintenance of romantic relationships and dealing with conflict through forgiveness, rather than revenge. Forgiveness and revenge are both seen in relationships in the media with varying results, however, when it comes to real life, what are the motivators to pass on revenge and settle on forgiveness? To understand this, first, forgiveness and revenge need to be defined. Forgiveness is defined as a pardon used to reconcile with a transgressor who has acted in a way that causes some form of harm (McCullough, 2001). Forgiveness is seen as a prosocial movement that indicates there will be no harm coming to the transgressor and the power balance in the relationship is rebalanced (McCullough, 2001).

The reason behind this decision is to promote harmonious relations with the transgressor, only if there were valid causes to their actions (McCullough, 2001). Revenge, one of the most powerful passions, is less used and is defined as an act of harm that reciprocates offences (Fitness, 2001). While the decisions for acting upon either forgiveness or revenge can not be allocated to offences, why forgiveness is chosen over revenge can be explored. This essay seeks to identify reasons for why this is so by considering personality, life circumstances, and maintenance of relationships. The choice and ability to forgive can be related to the personality of the individual. Having a disposition for forgiveness is relative to being high on agreeableness, possessing emotional stability and high self-esteem (Mikulincer, Shaver & Slav, 2006). This is due to the ability to show greater empathy and not being vulnerable to negative emotions (McCullough, 2001). In forgiveness, individuals find it easier to maintain a relationship and giving the transgressor the benefit of the doubt is likely to decrease the chances of future transgressions (McCullough, 2001). Another cause for forgiveness can be religion and spirituality. While the evidence is not strong on this link, some religions do place immense value on forgiveness, meaning it is a desirable option to certain individuals (McCullough, 2001). It was also found that individuals with secure attachment history were likely to deal with transgressions practically.

These individuals are able to maintain their relationship by coming to a mutual understanding that is beneficial to both parties. Studies show that forgiveness is associated with commitment, intimacy, trust and effective conflict resolution which in turn benefits health and wellbeing in the relationship (Mikulincer, Shaver & Slav, 2006). Conversely, individuals with negative experiences in past relationships are less likely to react practically, or remotely positive (Simpson, Collins, Tran & Haydon, 2007). These individuals will seek to protect themselves first, rather than the relationship, due to past experiences such as abandonment or being taken advantage of. These individual display poor strategies of relationship maintenance due to insecure attachments (Simpson et al. , 2007). As forgiveness is decided upon based on the intent, severity and avoidability of the transgression, it is understandable that those with insecure attachment histories will think twice about forgiving their partner. Their insecure nature, may cause a break up rather than revenge, as removing themselves from the situation leads to less hurt (Boon & Sulsky, 1997).

Alternately, reasons for choosing forgiveness are linked to circumstances. Though a powerful notion, revenge is hard to achieve. Studies that looked at why revenge was not a viable option ins romantic relationship transgression indicated that forgiveness was a second option as they lacked the means to carry out revenge, did not see a potential opportunity to seek revenge and feared retaliation and the nature of it as it is hard to predict (Boon, Rasmussen, Deveau & Alibhai, 2017). Some individuals also believed revenge is a morally wrong and immature conduct in dealing with transgressions (Boon et al. , 2017). While some also indicated that they would feel guilt for seeking revenge, these latter emotions have been linked to the personality of the individual. If the individual was empathetic, respected their partner and saw a future with them, they were likely to forgive as this would not reflect poorly on the relationship. Forgiveness would ensure both parties would not garner negative emotions and the relationship will be preserved. Another reason for a lack of revenge is the impact taking revenge will have on an individual’s identity and the social reputation of themselves and their relationship. In a world where social media is conquering, the outward expression and impression given is becoming more and more prevalent, earning it’s right to be factored into the question, to seek revenge or not? (Boon, Deveau & Alibhai, 2009). Another perspective to forgiveness, is that there is punishment in the process of forgiveness. It was found that the utilisation of guilt trips, revisiting past transgressions, expecting better treatment such as being taken out to dinner were employed before being completely forgiven. This gave the pleasure of restoring the power balance to the victim. It should be noted that in this sense, punishment is used to indicate a wrongdoing, the depth of the wrongdoing, and rebalances the relationship in hopes to diminish the chances of future transgressions.

Relationship quality is another factor to consider as it was found that in happier relationships, forgiveness was readily given, or punishment occurred unbeknownst to the transgressor. For example, coffee will be made without offering a cup to the partner (Fitness & Peterson, 2008). This instituted a sense of pleasure in knowing the partner was missing out. Here it can be said that forgiveness means that the harmed has to let go of their feelings and move on from the transgression, but not without a low-level form of punishment that will restore the power balance (Boon & Sulsky, 1997). However, in unhappy relationships, it is more likely that revenge is reciprocated. A study of divorced individuals found that physical abuse, infidelity and destruction of property were among the behaviours used in response to transgressions (Fitness & Peterson, 2008). It is also interesting to note that there are gender differences to forgiveness in sexual infidelity. Studies have found that women are more forgiving of sexual infidelity, however, for both genders, forgiveness was dependent on the mode of discovery (Gunderson & Ferrari, 2008).

There are four discovery methods, the first, unsolicited partner discovery, the second, solicited partner discovery, third, caught red-handed discovery, and lastly, unsolicited third-party discovery (Gunderson & Ferrari, 2008). Given these methods, the scenario in which a partner engaging in sexual infidelity would be forgiven was and unsolicited partner discovery, and the least likely was unsolicited third-party discovery (Gunderson & Ferrari, 2008). This links back to the individual’s self-image and social reputation factors that also affect forgiveness. It is also noteworthy that in cases of sexual infidelity, this transgression is easier to forgive, if the transgressor actually apologises as it indicates that they are remorseful of their actions (Gunderson & Ferrari, 2008).

In conclusion, it’s clear there are many reasons as to why partners may choose to forgive transgressions in romantic relationships. This essay highlights a few however, it should be noted that there are still limitations to understanding revenge and forgiveness. Many of the studies included in this essay were based on undergraduate students who do not represent the general population and the gaps of tradition and generations. Many studies were conducted on the basis of recollection which can be distorted over time and there is no way to attain the lacking introspective that will provide access to other causes to why they did not seek revenge. That said, the majority of studies agree that forgiveness is related to personality, circumstance and the maintenance of relationships and is used as a mechanism to protect and nurture this union.