How We Become Vulnerable To Our Own Insecurities
As humans, we can be one of our harshest critics. Often times we look into the mirror and focus on the imperfections rather than our worth. We become vulnerable to our own insecurities and begin to look deeper within. For me, there are multiple things I find negative about me like any human being does whether it comes from the inside or out. However, I’m learning to live with these qualities by finding ways to embrace them as well as work around them. But there is one trait I've noticed that has been adversely affecting my everyday life, and that is my social insecurity. We are meant to be gregarious creatures, yet for me, I tend to be shy and socially introverted. My close friends and family probably wouldn't describe me as shy. However, when I’m in public or somewhere for example school I become uncomfortable and oftentimes apprehensive around unfamiliar people. I begin to feel unsure about what to say or do in fear of saying or doing something others might ridicule me for. This paranoia has caused me to avoid social interactions and gradually become isolated and lonely. Because of this I have missed out on multiple teenage and high school experiences, and have gained social anxiety and stage fright.
As far back as I can remember, whenever I've had to give any kind of oral presentation in front of an audience such as a classroom I become horrified to the point of being almost physically ill. In tenth grade, my English teacher, Mr. Jenkins, assigned the class to write an argumentative essay that we would have to present in front of the class for 10 percent of the grade. I didn’t mind writing the essay I was actually quite proud of it. However, I dreaded the fact that I would have to read it in front of my thirty plus classmates. Days and weeks before the presentation, my mind was racing with doubts, “What happens if people think I suck or someone thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about?”
Then the day of the presentation was upon me and so was the terror. Minutes before it was my turn to present, I was cowering in my seat anxious every time he would call up the next person hoping and praying it wouldn't be me. Unfortunately, he eventually uttered the phrase to my dismay, “Jordan you're up next. ”, and I made my way up to the podium. I was soon standing front and center of the class and looked out to see a vast sea of students sitting and facing me with judgment. My hands began to clam up, my heart was beating out of my chest, and I had butterflies in the pit of my stomach. As I read my essay aloud I began to feel a lump and tightness in my throat. Then the next five minutes of my life were horrific and seemed to never end. When school or social engagements present themselves I tend to go to great lengths to avoid them. I always find reasons not to do things such as go to school event, hang out with friends, or even have a conversation with someone my own age.
The real problem is I’m scared, scared of rejection, humiliation, and being told I’m not good enough. Even though I have this social insecurity and make excuses for it I know there's no panacea or magic fairy dust that can cure what ails me. Fortunately, I still have time to fix this issue by accepting the challenge to be social and stop obsessing over my awkwardness. I am going to persistently work on getting rid of this quality and made it a thing of the past.
