My Black Belt Is Only A Start

It took me seven years to get my black belt. Three ninety minute classes every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, plus Friday night sparring. One belt test per year. The walls of the dojo were all white, except for the section in the back of the room where the Japanese and American flags would hang. Or in the front of the dojo, where the rules of conduct were listed, the rules we had to recite out loud every day, as if I’d ever forget. I memorized the colors, repeating them to myself at night. White belt, yellow belt, orange belt, green belt, blue belt, three kyus’ of brown belt, black belt. And guess what black is? It is not the end. It is not the highest level, not even close. Black belt means now you get to begin, now you get to learn karate. You’re at the beginning degree.

There are ten degrees, and each one takes years and years to achieve, maybe even a decade. It’s funny how hunger can take you over so suddenly, especially when you least expect it. Mouth-watering, stomach-wrenching, fist-clenching hunger. The kind of hunger that creates a desire you never thought you were capable of. The kind of hunger that fills you with the determination to fight until that hunger is no longer there. The kind of hunger that can change your life forever without you even knowing. It was the day my Shihan had told me I was ready for my black belt. I felt as if it were really my job to show something of myself, to prove how much I truly deserved my black belt. I quickly got to work, I started attending tournaments and began to assistant-teach the beginner classes. Teaching makes you better, to be able to teach something, you have to know it cold. I never realized how far I could get. Teaching became a way to push me to keep fighting, to give me meaning, like a void demanding to be filled. It filled me with passion, with drive, I suddenly craved my black belt, and I would fight at any cost to have it. I was ready to take anything heads on. It’s the day of the black belt test, almost everyone at my dojo is sitting there in the chairs.

My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest and my stomach is about to turn inside out, all eyes are on me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to prepare myself one last time; I’m ready. My partner, Jonathan comes at me with a reverse punch, and I move to the side, blocking his hand, grabbing his wrist, and pulling him off balance. I glide behind him and throw a hook kick to the back of his head. I can feel the crown lean forward, impressed. Jonathan comes at me with a front hand punch and an immediate left. I redirect his punch with an axe kick, turn to the side and finish with a double roundhouse kick to his ribs. He recovers and grips the collar of my stiff, white cotton uniform. I jab his armpit with my fingertips, which seems like nothing, but is one of the most painful things I know how to do. I then pick him up by his waist and throw him to the floor. The crowd applauds. He stands up and moves into ready position with three wooden boards in his hands. The final part of the test, the board break. I take a few steps back and pause. I close my eyes and visualize my hand going straight through the boards. I can do this. I open my eyes and step forward into a swift, wind-cutting palm strike. And yes, all three boards are cracked in half, causing six pieces of wood to fly through the air.

The crowd leaps to their feet. Standing ovation! I’ve never had this many people cheering for me before. My ponytail has come loose and locks of hair tickle my face. I brush away the strands and soak in the adoration. I’ve earned this. This felt like a light at the end of a tunnel, and after all these years, the light finally seemed a little closer. I finally know now that the desire I once had was because I believed there was a finish line. I know now that my black belt wasn’t the end, nor the beginning. It doesn’t represent seven years of hard work, practice, anxiety attacks on testing day, sweat, pain, and dedication. Or Friday nights spent sparring while my friends went out. My black belt is everything I had been all along without even knowing it.