My Brother is the Main Reason Why I Am Thankful for My Family

There was nothing more comforting than knowing I had an older brother to protect me from all the things I feared. He was there for me when I woke up from a bad dream and helped me get through my worst days at school. The only thing I wished he could have protected me from was the feeling of guilt and loneliness that comes with losing a loved one. My brother is the main reason why I am thankful for my family. I dedicate this essay to my brother. Imagine you look up to someone your whole life and suddenly a mistake changed you outlook on them. All the things you have done was mirroring this person that was supposed to be your role model because everything they did was perfect. Now you have to find yourself on your own doing the exact opposite, trying not to make the same mistake. How do you let go of someone that is a part of you? He was gone May of 2015 and of all the secrets we told each other, this one was never mentioned.

I Am Thankful For My Family, Especially My Brother

I was born six years after my brother and for so long it was just us figuring out life together. He was such an inspiration to me and I wanted to be just like him and in many ways I am. Growing up I did things that little girls were not supposed to do, staying up all night to watch wresting, and skateboarding down the driveway, I tried to fit in as much as I could. As hard as it must have been, he was never bothered and enjoyed my company. He never cared that I was always by his side and included me as much as possible. Even when he grew up and moved into a new house to start a life of his own, he never forgot about me. He would come over on his days off and we would spend hours watching our favorite tv show getting lost in time that together. Being fifteen years old I never thought I would have to say goodbye to that. It was an unbreakable bond between siblings, and I will forever cherish that.

That night my whole heart shattered, I remember after that, everything else that was said did not matter. I just stood there, taking in the words that suddenly I could not understand. Months passed and I tried to stay strong like he wanted me to be, but when I realized I had to go on with life without him and learn to do my own things, I mastered the art of ignoring my reality and strong was last thing I felt. I did not want sympathy, I did not want grief, and I got so good at it that somedays I forgot he was gone. In a poem “This is Kelly” written by Cassondra Windwalker, she says “I’ll introduce the ghost at my elbow as if she were visible to all”. I think part of the reason I chose to not think about him was because if I did, how do I mention someone that no longer exist? Someone that just reminds me of the grief I once experienced. Grief is such an interesting feeling and not something you’re prepared for; kind of like being pushed over by a wave full of emotions. I remember being so angry at him and his friends and myself for not recognizing the warning signs that everyone talks about when someone passes this way. Being in so much emotional pain I forgot the actual person he was and masked him with someone I wanted to understand, maybe if he showed he was sad or depressed I could have helped him like he helped me. He spent years telling me to never give up when he should have been telling himself that. Like the short story “The Solution to Brian’s Problems” (Campbell). There were multiple ways I could have grieved and blamed everyone for this loss. Campbell writes in his failed solution, solution #4 “Just go…wipe your mind clear of memories.” While this is a solution, it still will not fix the problem. Running away from the problem only keeps it lingering, not resolved. The solution to my problem was to keep going.

He is Still My Role Model...

Even though he is not around anymore he taught me more than he thought he did. He taught me to be thankful for my family and all that they do for me because they are the ones that feel every moment with you. He taught me that love is helping someone get through their darkest times and reminding them that they always have someone. To never take time for granted because each day could be my last. To overcome my fears and to never be afraid of what is in front of me because nothing was scarier than losing someone that meant the most to me. He taught me that it is okay to express my feelings because everyone is human and it is natural to feel pain, excitement, or happiness. But most of all he taught me that I will be okay without him and I do not have to rely on him to direct me through my life, he’s given me so much throughout the years that I will be okay. He taught me It is okay to miss him and the person he was, because he was so great and should not be forgotten.

For years I have taken for granted the person I grew up with and replaced him with just death. But I have learned to overcome many things and for that it makes me as stronger person. I am now okay when people tell me how much we look alike, and that my smile reminds them of him. I am proud to say that Seth was my brother. He is still a part of me and walks behind me leaving footsteps only I can see. His choices from the past guide me to the right ones and I will keep moving forward to the life he could not continue.