Romantic Relationship Quality and Ideal Mate Selection Influence on Self-esteem

Introduction

Physical attractiveness is a valuable social commodity – it can be used to bargain and exchange, for gains and benefits, translated into goods and services, and even has commercial value; all of which strongly affect one’s confidence about formation of relationships. Whereas, the maintenance of relationships is strongly affected by valuable qualities such as respect, kindness and awareness, which correlates with confidence. Appearance usually creates a lasting impact on first impressions, but once stereotypes are overlooked, this impact decreases, and the exterior starts becoming a less relevant factor. Attractiveness serves as the basis for first impressions and is shown to be of the highest importance when considering potential matches in regard to social desirability, thus most people focus on different physical features such as height, weight, facial construction and even voice upon first encounter. Many teens, adolescents and even adults often struggle with finding a suitable partner that possess all features in their list of standards as a potential mate. During the relationship, a partner’s self-esteem is positively correlated with satisfaction, but it cannot predict changes to underlying feelings; however, it does contribute to the overall attitudes and outlook of life. Partners frequently uncover sources of negativity and conflict that may threaten their feelings of security and confidence, raising the fear that their significant other may not really be the “right” one. The surface of these negativity tends to be troublesome as it strains self-esteem levels.

Match Between Self and Partner in Romantic Relationships

The fundamental building blocks of a relationship is the importance of first impressions, which is mainly the influence of physical attractiveness and how “matching” the two parties involved in the relationship are. Past research have shown that the more serious a relationship is, the more equal the matching will be, meaning couples proceed to a long-term relationship once they show similar perspectives in goals and ambitions, and opinions of how to manage various support systems such as disciplining children, managing finances and ideas on more controversial topics that may bring conflicts.

Although people may pursue others that are more attractive and those of greater social desirability in the social marketplace, there is a low chance of the relationship ending in an engagement or marriage, but a higher possibility of rejection and break-up . Thus, finding a partner of equal level in that sense will lead to a more successful overall relationship and greater assurance in abilities to secure romantic affections despite having one’s own idealizations of partners. A study by Huston in 1973 tested the notion of a man’s own appearance and how his beliefs on dating a woman changed depending on whether or not the participants were explicitly told the woman was interested or not under two conditions. In other words, a number of men were asked if they were interested in dating one of the six women presented; ranged from ‘beautiful’ to ‘average’ physical appearance wise. In the first condition, participants were told all six women displayed some interest in mingling with them, and in the second condition, the men were not provided any information on the women’s approvals and had to decide on their own which woman was the best one to match them. Results show that when men believed they were wanted, all picked the more ‘beautiful’ women, whereas if not, they chose the more ‘average-looking’ one. The point of the experiment is to demonstrate that self-confidence tend to be lowered instinctively due to fear of negative evaluation and judgement when a potential dating partner’s interest is unknown, and the participants tend to consider themselves as less attractive individuals, so they will find less attractive or comparable-looking partners as dates. An exception to this theory would be jumping from platonic friends straight into a romantic relationship because the whole concept of ‘matching’ would not matter as much if both individuals had grown close emotionally prior to focusing on relative attractiveness or the stage at which the couples are in a relationship. During the emergent phase of a relationship, both partners may put greater emphasis on physical appearance and what qualities the other individual possesses may benefit them, but this feeling fades once there is higher levels of commitment and responsiveness.

Results from another study conducted by Dion et al. (1972) correlates with that of the Huston (1973) experiment; suggests that on average, participants associated more positive qualities, better personality traits, higher life standards and better employment positions simply by looking at photographs of random men or women when they are considered to be more appealing. Desirable traits are positively correlated with positive words and happiness in life and are also rated more favourably and assumed to be more sociable in all categories. The bias for beauty, especially for those of the same ethnicity, culture and similar viewpoint in life, is often referred to as “What is Beautiful Is Good”.

Interpersonal Confidence Raises Social Desirability

Mate selection is the process in which an individual chooses a potential partner with desirable qualities for a long-term, romantic relationship, with the goal of reproduction. One theory that emphasizes such connection is The Filter Theories of Mate Selection, originally hypothesized by Kerkhoff and David in 1962. It focuses on the development of the intimate nature of relationships, how a set of factors can predict future variables, such as an initial spark of chemistry from social and cultural observables, which can lead to the discovery of similarities in personality, and then later stabilized by complementarity for further maintenance as a bonus characteristic. Once couples reach a roughly balanced compatibility level and value, they can progress to the next stage of selection. It is assumed that through this rational theory, relationships will advance slowly and steadily the more one learns about the other, leading to less conflict, more harmony and a better match.

The idealization of mate choice can be a combination of emotional, social and physical characteristics, including external contributing factors such as nationality, social status, family background, and level of education, and is shown to vary depending on the standards and sex ratio of men and women in the society. Men tend to place a greater emphasis on beauty when seeking for a partner, referring to it as a ‘necessity’ rather than a bonus when seeking a mate. Whereas, women prefer men who can offer a sense of protection, both financially and emotionally by providing love, commitment and respect. As hypothesized by Gangestad and Simpson (2000), women are mostly focused on good fitness and investment indicators; examples of fitness being manliness, intelligence and attractiveness, and investment indicators are resourcefulness and potentials to offerings a promising future. An individual’s confidence can be predicted by the partner’s responsiveness, both in reality and interaction and observed from behaviour, and whether the social desirability is reciprocated or not. This doubt can come from conflicts in which the other person exhibits negative behaviours of defensiveness, ignorance of the actual problem, blaming, and starts associating one argument with past disagreements, to make the less powerful partner feel incompetent.

Nowadays, couples live in social contexts characterised by consumerism and competition in the business and economic industry and society, emphasizing importance on materialistic principles, and encouraging people to achieve a certain level of financial wealth to have high status and the “right” image to be “respected”. On an individual level, research indicates that this idea has a negative correspondence to individuals and society, linking to self-esteem, well-being and quality of life, to the amount of dissatisfaction. In society, materialism has also proven to negatively affect an individual’s community involvement and environmental context, as the amount of time spent with friends and family decreases, which is directly associated with more conflicts in marriages among couples and their children. In this case, self-esteem is lowered as society-molded materialistic individuals become antisocial and detached from the world, increasing chances of personality disorders due to complications with interpersonal relations.

Causes of Low Self-Esteem Associated with Negative Behaviour

Appearance comes with costs. It creates an unrealistic body image leading to unattainable social standards for the younger generation, especially in younger girls nowadays, causing feelings of inadequacy and already overly ‘thin girls’ thinking otherwise. This viewpoint creates lower self-esteem and a negative body perception and is often the cause of eating disorders to attain a self-fulfilling prophecy when comparing with supermodels and celebrities on the news. The presence of a ‘beautiful’ individual can be intrinsically rewarding, either direct or indirect. Direct pleasure conjures feelings of acceptance and captures attention and interest from interacting with others, in turn activating reward centers in the brain to produce more positive responses. Although indirect attraction is more subtle and not always sensible, there can be personality traits, recollections of past experiences, or personal connections that increase the likeability. More often than not, the more direct rewards that are made accessible, the more attraction can be felt. This is based on a study in which 37 different cultures are investigated; it can be concluded that men prefer younger partners who have domestic skills (i.e. taking care of the household, children, and managing finances/banking) and no previous experiences of any sexual interactions, while females tend to find older men who are more financially stable and resourceful as it can become advantageous to personal and career-related circumstances.

Many research studies have proven that increasing self-esteem contributes significantly to behaviour in relationships leading to a more satisfying life, but it cannot be used as a predictor for long-term happiness. Low confidence individuals tend to overgeneralize others’ perceptions of themselves, and will assume everyone around have the same view, creating greater predisposition to negative appraisal and underestimating any positive assessments. Therefore, self-esteem does contribute to romantic relationships as low levels of it can lead to avoidance of intimacy, fear of potential rejection and conflict, as well as selectively attending to a partner’s negative and undesirable behaviour due to higher emotional susceptibility.

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